1995 Pontiac Grand AM

1995 Pontiac Grand AM

• Location: Everett
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Burning Man Mutant Vehicle/Art Car

Burning Man Mutant Vehicle/Art Car

TIME IS A WASTIN'! The deadline to register a mutant vehicle/art car is coming up fast! May 15th. We don't want to see this fun mutant vehicle sidelined for another burn. We've reduced the price down to basically cover our storage fees. Call your friends! Call your campmates! Get on it!                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Fellow Burners, did you get a ticket? Are you tired of having to bike all over the Playa? Do you miss some awesome art because it's too far away? Do you have a large camp that would like to hang out together? Do you really like milk and cereal? Then look no further. See Burning Man from a different angle. We've built the largest moving carton of milk and bowl of cereal in the world. And you can own it. It's a great way to meet people and be the party wherever you go. Maybe you saw it on the Playa at Burning Man in 2010 where it got both night and day licenses. The mutant vehicle/ art car consists of: – An 8×8 foot, 25 foot tall milk carton tower that holds 4+ people – A ten foot diameter fiberglass cereal bowl couch that seats 10+ – 80 custom made cereal shaped pillows for chilling out in the bowl with friends, old and new. – A lighted spoon ladder to get into the cereal bowl from the ground. – An irresistible fiberglass slide to get from the carton back down to the Playa. – A lighting extravaganza (bowl is rope-light lined inside and out, carton contains a bazilliion (4000) individual LED lights so you can be seen at night). The vehicle is driven from the upper carton area with it's own steering wheel, gas/brake control, and emergency kill switch, but the original vehicle driving position is still an option, if preferred (and with a spotter). You can't tell from anywhere on the outside, but the art car is based on a '92 Ford Explorer. It starts and runs just like a daily driver. The suspension has been modified with aftermarket off road parts to increase it's capacity. It rides on 31in off road tires and comes with two full sized spares. One in the stock location and another that can be kept at camp. The vehicle is not street legal. And it no longer has a usable VIN #. It currently resides in Oakland. Inquire for more pictures. $4500 or best offer.

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Crucifix dobro guitar played by Funky Jesus – $priceless

Crucifix dobro guitar played by Funky Jesus – $priceless
Handmade one-of-a-kind squareneck resonator crucifix guitar, hand-crafted and played by Funky Jesus, winner of the 2012 Hunky Jesus competition in Dolores Park. Own a piece of San Francisco history with this rare collectible and fully functional musical instrument.

Standing at an imposing 6’6″ tall and about 4 feet wide, this guitar features a string-thru mahogany tailpiece, inlaid rosewood neck with 22 frets, gold tuners, and a 5.5” spun steel resonator cone with redwood biscuit bridge. There’s even a piezo pickup mounted at the apex of the cone, with a 1/4″ female output on the back, so you can plug it into your amp.

The perfect addition to your next evangelical gathering, church choir practice, death metal show, or any religious/sacrilegious event.

More pics http://imgur.com/a/Mxy0W

Make offer. Trades for motorcycles & tube amps will be considered.

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Did we hook up at the Megadeth/Motorhead concert? – w4m

Did we hook up at the Megadeth/Motorhead concert? – w4m
Me: Blue hair, silver tube top, fishnets, Knee high black biker boots.
You: Red mohawk, black pentagram gauges, viper piercings.

I was grinding on you in the pit, then we went to the bathroom, and got fucked up. You had a nice cock and I was wasted so I let raw dog it in the stall.
You were really good and you had to gag me so I would make too much noise.

Anyway I’m pregnant. It’s yours. contact me if you want to be part of your child’s life.

• Location: Aragon Ballroom
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Ugly Llama

Ugly Llama
I have an ugly llama that needs a new home. He’s a gelded male, somewhere between 5-10 years old, recently de-wormed, hoof-trimmed, sheared and vaccinated. His name is “Nash,” and I rescued him from a pretty bad situation.

He’s knock-kneed, he has a terrible haircut from recently shaved-off burdocks and mats, and his face is disfigured from an embedded halter wound. He’s very hard to catch, impossible to lead, and just barely able to be pushed on and off of a trailer (we’re working on these things). However, he has never once tried to spit, kick or bite, and is starting to accept petting. He will eat grain from your hand, and although shy, seems to want to make friends. The vet says he’s healthy now. He makes no noise except for quiet, lonely hum-hoots, which sound like someone is blowing into a dusty trumpet.

Llamas are sensitive to copper, so they can’t have most horse feeds/minerals, but are fine with hay/pasture and goat vitamins. They get along fine with most animals…

…just not my horse. My old Tennessee Walker is apparently a vicious southern racist who wants to rip Nash’s little brown South American face off. I tried to sign my horse up for sensitivity training, but things just aren’t working out. Thus, Nash needs a new home.

If you’ve read all THAT, and are STILL interested in adopting an ugly llama, I know you have a good heart. Nash needs someone like you; he’s had a rough life and deserves a really nice home. A farm visit and vet references will be required– I need to know he’s going to be well taken care of. Please call Laura at 608-225-7045 or email the above address.

• Location: Waterloo, WI
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Prehistoric Oval Fossil

Prehistoric Oval Fossil
Prehistoric Oval Fossil.
Approximately 6,000,000,000 years old

I found this many years when I was prospecting for gold in riverbed just outside of
Girdwood.
I couldn’t believe that it was just sitting there because there were several people in the area and
none of them seemed to notice it at all.
Even though I have no formal geological training I know that something is old when I see it and this object is certainly old.
I had originally placed it in the backyard but the darn thing kept attracting bugs and other things that tried to burrow under it.
I suspect that it may be some sort of insect trap from some forgotten civilization but cannot be sure of this due to the age of the item.
I love this thing but the wife says that she’ll leave me if I don’t get rid of it.
So it’s up for grabs.
Please respond via e-mail.

• Location: Anchorage
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The Onion – Writers’ Room Conference Table

The Onion – Writers’ Room Conference Table
For sale: Writers’ Room Conference Table from The Onion* (America’s Finest News Source)
*Now with more sarcasm!

This table is the site where tens of thousands of millions of ideas have been conceived, developed, painfully delivered, raised, nurtured and chucked into the world. Majestic comedic charisma may be embedded into the fibrous tissue that forms this otherwise completely standard piece.

Measures 120″ L x 49″ W x 29″ H

Makes a terribly difficult surfboard!

This once in a lifetime furniture experience is available for $10,000 or best offer

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I grabbed your boobs on Sunset – m4w

I grabbed your boobs on Sunset – m4w
Saturday night, I was out with my buddies walking around on Sunset, going from bar to bar, club to club, etc. You were, presumably, with your girlfriends. As we neared each other, none of us made eye contact. It’s as though we were trying not to look at each other. I sure as hell was.

But because of this, I wasn’t looking where I was going either, and tripped on a crack in the pavement and tripped, falling forward, right as you were passing by. My arms flailed about and tried to grab the nearest sturdy thing to steady myself. That nearest thing ended up being your rack.

Unfortunately, your breasts weren’t steady nor sturdy enough, so I kept falling. Along the way, your shirt and bra were torn off in the process. Your knockers, exposed to the night air, bounced with delight and glee.

Almost immediately, you came down upon me, fists rained down hellfire the likes of which I’ve never experienced. Your friends quickly joined in, pummeling me, while my own friends stood back and watched, giggling gayly as if their kindergarten classmate had just poohed his pants during recess.

It was when you were pepper spraying the shit out of me that we locked eyes for a moment. It was incredibly painful to keep my eyes open, due to the intense sting from the pepper spray, but I noticed how goddamn gorgeous your blue eyes were, and I think I noticed a moment of hesitation, almost admiration, perhaps. A hint of a smile formed on your face, and for a second, I thought you were going to kiss me, but then you head-butted me directly into the sidewalk, rendering me unconscious.

This, however, did not stop you from kicking me in the side, spitting on my face and stealing my wallet, while, yes, you were there, you know, my friends continued laughing and whooping it up like a bunch of drunken rednecks at a hoedown.

I had hoped to find your phone number scratched into my chest, along with the many other scratches from your fingernails, but alas, when I came to, nothing. Just blood and a few scattered teeth.

I sincerely hope you read this message because I think we had a connection, you and I. I want to see where this might lead. As long as it’s not the ICU again.

• Location: SFV
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Hipster-ass Hipster Bike for Hipsters

Hipster-ass Hipster Bike for Hipsters
I am selling my Vista Carrera 7 road bike. Perfect for the aspiring culture creator. I have recently become a Successful Entrepreneur and I no longer have the need for such trifling possessions. I drive a gigantic cargo van that literally pisses gas onto the road to mark its territory.

Do you want to be noticed? Do you want to stand out from the crowd? Sleeve tattoo didn’t do the trick? Dubstep bounce remix didn’t go viral? Look no further than this bike. Don’t even look past it in the pictures posted below. Import it into Photoshop and delete the background. I know you know how to do it, because you’re a graphic designer.

Orange body. Green accents. Pink handlebar wrap. Some silver. Black. Dirt. Are there even any more colors? There are awesome reflective stickers on the bike, too, which makes darting out in front of automobiles on dark evenings and asserting one’s absolute and total right of way even more self-righteously awesome. Dear motorist: Did you not see the stickers. Do you think I have time to just put stickers on things. I’m trying to save the world from people like you.

Just think of all the great places you could see and be seen on this bike:

1. An Obama rally
2. A Ron Paul rally
3. Rally’s
4. Miscellaneous

The possibilities are endless.

This bike will get you laid. If you ride this bike around Audobon Park at 1 in the morning without pants on, dudes will literally knock you off of your bike to try to blow you.

This bike is a freewheel fixed gear, because you’re a fucking monster and you have one speed, and that speed is +/- 15mph.

A seat comes with the bike, but is not pictured. If you want, you can ride the bike without the seat to simulate the stick you have up your ass about which Pavement album is best, which political cause that matters to you most intermittently, or about whatever it is that you “do.”

SAFETY FEATURES

This bike is Japanese and comes with four distinct safety features:

Safety Feature #1: front brakes only. Because you’re not about to conform to anyone’s preconceived notions of how a bike should stop.

Safety Feature #2: Quick release back wheel. I took this bike to Mike the Bike Guy on Magazine to get a tune up once, and he refused to work on it because of this Safety Feature. He said it was a “Frankenstein bike.” I asked him if he didn’t agree that Frankenstein was a literary masterpiece. I thought that after losing that argument he might be a gentleman and agree to tune up the bike for free, but he remained all pissy and still refused to work on it, even for money.

The next time I went in to Mike the Bike Guy on Magazine was to get air. I was all, hey MTBG, can I get some air? He was all yes. It was clear that we both believed that air is a free resource that should not be commodified. Common ground. He pointed me toward his air machine. Everything seemed cool. When I realized that the nozzle didn’t fit my bike’s tires, I was all, hey MTBG, how does this nozzle go on? He looked at me, turned around, took two steps toward the back of the room, and let out a loud SIGH. I couldn’t blame him. I work with people too, and sometimes they ask me questions because they don’t know things and I am the paid expert on the exact things they don’t know and I am standing right next to them, and I have to humiliate them in front of others before I answer them, too. It’s all just part of the job.

Safety Feature #3: Helmet. That’s my helmet. You can ride in a painter’s cap and pretend to be smart at the same time, but you’re not fooling anyone.

Safety Feature #4: Welding fix at seat joint. When this joint came loose, the bike was deemed horribly unsafe. When I welded it back together, it became safe again, therefore: safety feature. It’s supersturdy now; I welded it to fuck and back. I painted the welding joint green because I was feeling creative and I don’t have to explain my art to anyone.

Safety Feature #5: Apparently this bike has really nice rims. I am listing this under Safety Features because I feel that less-nice rims would probably make the bike marginally less safe.

Safety Feature $6: Earthquake proof.

$180 or best offer. Cash is fine. Your parents can PayPal me directly. Or see below:

I’m totally into creative trades (this part is actually serious). Musical instruments (serious – esp synths and pedals); original art (serious); US Currency (for srsly); leisure suits (I’m 6’1”, 180, with long arms and broad shoulders. Let’s stick with dark colors – I’m kind of pale and I don’t like to look washed out); real estate/underwater mortgages (4realz dogg); antique firearms (I promise I won’t trade you the bike and then shoot you with what was previously your firearm in order to steal my bike back and sell it again, although wouldn’t that be ironic, or would it, I don’t know, we use the word incorrectly so often that I’m not sure it matters); casual sex. Show me what you got.

*[EDIT: dig on this? The author has a rap band called Sex Party: facebook.com/sexpartymusic, @FFFFFF_SexParty]*

• Location: Bywater
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Hey locavores – goose dinner tonite?

Hey locavores – goose dinner tonite?
You can’t get much more local than this…and you don’t have to be a hunter to get a fresh goose.

It’s a little bizarre, but unfortunately (for me and the goose), I have a fully intact and cleanly dispatched goose (see pic) that’s been kept well-refrigerated outside at ~30 degrees since the incident today. Animal Control assures that there’s no health risk with geese and it’s out of their jurisdiction to come pick it up. I’m not the kind to cook one up, so if you are then first-come first-served if you want a memorable local meal.

E-mail if interested and more pics and info available. By the way, it’s a very low roof and easy to reach with the small ladder I have. Couldn’t be simpler!

• Location: S. Boulder
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